Trying and Failing
by SuperKateB
Summary: Sometimes, it's not whether or not you succeed, but that you tried. (Warning: First arc spoilers.)


Success is counted sweetest  
  
By those who ne'er succeed.  
  
To comprehend a nectar  
  
Requires sorest need.  
  
Not one of all the purple Host  
  
Who took the Flag today  
  
Can tell the definition  
  
So clear of Victory  
  
As he defeated--dying--  
  
On whose forbidden ear  
  
The distant strains of triumph  
  
Burst agonized and clear!  
  
-Emily Dickinson, Poem 112  
  
====================  
  
"Trying and Failing"  
  
A Cardcaptor Sakura Fanfiction  
  
Written by Kate "SuperKate" )  
  
====================  
  
He had failed.  
  
The early spring air weighed heavily on his shoulders, pushing   
  
him down until his head drooped and posture slumped, his feet caught in   
  
an invisible quagmire that just barely skimmed the top of the pavement.   
  
For most others, the day was simply breezy and a bit cool, nothing to   
  
complain about, but for him...  
  
For him, it was the end of everything.  
  
What had begun, certainly, as a breezy, cool spring day had ended   
  
in the Final Judgment, the last test of the cardcaptor, administered by   
  
the more cold-hearted of the Clow Guardians, Yue. Performing well was   
  
encouraged. Nay, not encouraged, REQUIRED. The cardcaptor who defeated   
  
Yue in the Final Judgment was to reap the greatest of rewards and take   
  
Clow Reed's position as the Master of the Clow. Certainly, he -   
  
descendent of that very Clow Reed - could defeat a silver-haired pretty   
  
boy with a venomous bad attitude!  
  
But he had been thrown from the shrine roof within the first few   
  
seconds of combat. His eyes burned with tears that he forced away as he   
  
remembered the stinging pain that rushed through his body as he crashed   
  
against the brick-paved walk, his muscles and joints screaming out in   
  
agony and shock as he rolled to a helpless stop. But physical pain   
  
meant absolutely nothing when compared to the internal pain, the pain   
  
tearing his heart apart, shredding the muscle and leaving it at his   
  
feet, wet by his tears.  
  
He, Li Shaoran, the descendent of Clow Reed and the rightful   
  
keeper of the Clow cards, had failed.  
  
The victor, of course, had seized him by the hands as soon as the   
  
judgment had been made and, despite his bruised ribs and sore joints,   
  
insisted on twirling across the brick walk with him, laughing gleefully   
  
at her new-found lot in life. The battle had been long, and she had   
  
almost lost to Yue's superior skill and wit, but somehow, Fate herself   
  
had catered to the tiny brunette girl with the perky pigtails and   
  
allowed her a second chance. Shaoran couldn't be sure that he agreed   
  
with Fate's decision, but who was he to really argue? So he twirled and   
  
giggled, pretending to enjoy himself while actually wondering if she   
  
knew what she had done.  
  
Did she? When he had first relocated to Tomoeda, Kinomoto Sakura   
  
had been nothing but a typical fourth-grade girl. She laid in the grass   
  
with her friends and knit little scarves for her stuffed toys in the   
  
fall; she played chess and checkers at recess during the winter; she   
  
developed irrational crushes on older boys when she had, well, nothing   
  
else better to do. She bickered with her brother, loved her father, and   
  
mourned the long-ago passing of her mother. She protected her friends -   
  
especially the raven-haired Daidouji Tomoyo - with a fierce passion,   
  
and even managed to see something in the loud-mouthed, self-possessed   
  
Sun Guardian, Keroberos.   
  
But he knew better than to shrug and label Kinomoto-chan an   
  
average girl. Oh, he knew! For as his days in Tomoeda turned to weeks   
  
and weeks to one month after another after another, Shaoran had   
  
witnessed a change in the petite girl with the shaggy locks. Her   
  
nervousness faded to determination, her weakness built into strength,   
  
and suddenly that typical fourth-grade girl was bolder, more   
  
substantial… Wonderful in all the ways he had never expected her to be.   
  
And yet, still, as the sunlight danced through the flowering trees that   
  
were her namesake and the breeze ruffled her battle costume, Sakura had   
  
proven once again that she as still just a girl – a girl twirling   
  
through a courtyard, laughing and smiling as though nothing had ever   
  
happened.  
  
But it had. The wind picked up and Shaoran glanced at the slowly   
  
darkening horizon. The Final Judgment had come, and –   
  
"Li-kun!" He was surprised to hear his name burst through the   
  
silent late afternoon and turned on his heel to see Sakura rushing   
  
towards him, her cheeks red and chest heaving with effort. "There you   
  
are! I was looking for you!" Her ruddy cheeks puffed out and her pink   
  
lips protruded in a sudden pout. "No fair slinking off like that! I   
  
wanted to talk to you."  
  
He shrugged, his hands shoved in his pockets and his brown eyes   
  
darting towards the sidewalk. "I don't really have anything to talk   
  
about," he responded coolly, prodding a sprout of grass that had poked   
  
up through the cracks in the concrete with his toe. "And we do have   
  
that math test tomorrow, you know."  
  
"I know…" She pursed her lips together and glanced away, and   
  
Shaoran frowned. How many people were there in the world that he could   
  
even pretend to consider his friends? The number could be counted on   
  
one hand, and yet he still pushed her away, shouldering her into the   
  
realm between acquaintance and total stranger, keeping her always at   
  
arms' length. "Well, before you go to study for that test, can I just   
  
say that I thought you did really well today?"   
  
He blinked, trying to hide the evident surprise he could feel   
  
creeping across his expression. "Me?" he questioned, staring at her as   
  
she smiled widely. "What did I do? You're the one who defeated Yue and   
  
became the new Master of the Clow."  
  
She shrugged shyly, the color in her cheeks shifting from the   
  
ruddy tones of exertion to a pale pink blush. "I know," she admitted,   
  
her green eyes peering up at him through thick lashes, "but it was   
  
really Kaho-sensei who saved me. Without her help, I... I wouldn't have   
  
been able to beat him. You didn't have that chance, which wasn't very   
  
fair. And so... I wanted to tell you I thought you did well for not   
  
having that extra help, you know?" She chuckled and shook her head.   
  
"Well, I'll see you at school tomorrow, Li-kun. Good luck studying for   
  
the test!"  
  
Shaoran desperately tried to think of a response to her leaving,   
  
something to call after her as he watched her brown head of hair and   
  
brightly-colored battle costume disappear into a speak in the distance,   
  
but he couldn't. Instead, he stood dumbfounded on the sidewalk, his   
  
hand outstretched to catch a girl who was no longer within arm's reach.  
  
Then, he sighed slightly to himself, his hand closing into a fist   
  
and falling to his side. Maybe Sakura hadn't realized what she had done   
  
in defeating Yue and becoming the new Master of the Clow. Maybe she   
  
would never realize what she had done – he couldn't be certain.  
  
But for once, Li Shaoran was certain that he understood what HE   
  
had done that chilly spring afternoon.  
  
And for that reason, he smiled the rest of the walk home.  
  
===  
  
Fin.  
  
===  
  
AN: I started this fic a good four months ago and just finished it now.   
  
I got the idea one night while reading my English 273 (American   
  
Literature) homework and it just spiraled from there into this little   
  
adventure before you.  
  
Poem belongs to Emily Dickinson. CCS belongs to CLAMP.  
  
Special thanks to Yumeko and May, my beta-readers. You girls rock!  
  
2/24/04  
  
11:30 p.m. 


End file.
